Grief Notes by Josephine Patrick
It has all gone. All those words. I have got the playlist on but not what I wrote. What Now Widow? I am oscillating between feeling sorrowful that they have disappeared and relieved to have a blank page even though they don’t really exist. A fresh start relies on a load of stuff having happened […]
Continue ReadingTime has passed. Not everything is about my dead husband you know? That is a lie. It is. It is all about that thing what happened. It just doesn’t go away. Still one must pluck up the courage to carry on; so we do. LP is challenging. Not the kind of challenging where you can […]
Continue ReadingLast week I decided that I would live each day as if I might die any moment. I don’t think I’m going anywhere yet; there is no need to start gathering the essential paperwork and hiding the incriminating things. Life has just kept kicking me in the tits and so with an aching chest I […]
Continue ReadingI have been deep in the mire. Slowly tipping into not coping. Falling in January and not being okay enough to do my job. The professionals say this is textbook grief; there really is no set pattern or timeline. You’re messed up then and you’re messed up now- good luck with getting out of it, […]
Continue ReadingI want to know exactly what I want. I need to know what will happen when I get to it. I need to feel absolutely sure that I am doing the right thing. I want enduring and forever. I once was able to manage all of these worries with control. Behaviours that gave me a […]
Continue ReadingIn the centre of my body there is a pit. It is where the grief sits. It draws everything in and it just gathers there. It doesn’t change or break down. It lives and it spoils my day. Sometimes I let it have me and life has to top me up somehow. Something will happen […]
Continue ReadingHormones will do what they want. I read them on my skin. A change in shape. A difference in my body that I can’t put down to childbirth. Nothing is the same. Time does not cease its impact on the form. It drives on past my stop as I stand bewildered. This is not what […]
Continue ReadingI’m tired. I’m tired. A year later and grief still leaves its mark like a heavy bag of shopping gripped so tightly that on arriving home you must peel your hands open and for a moment just examine your red paws. In the middle of the night, I am back to the sugary tea and […]
Continue ReadingSunday is still the worst day of the week. I stand in the bathroom thinking about my discovery that morning. My brain is allowing me to think about it now without the wave of shock and rush of everything. I know it is not happening all over again. I am safe but I also am […]
Continue ReadingIt is raining. I have spent the week feeling agitated. Sometimes it is good to admit it. I have been angry with so many things. I have mostly aimed my rage at motorists near the school gate; uttering expletives and being thankful for the mask covering them up. When I get like this my nerves […]
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